As time goes on I find myself reflecting on my friends more and more. I find myself thinking about my friendships in terms of health, happiness and our relationship. Not a week goes by when I don’t hear from someone in my past from one of the social networking sites. Clearly the search engines make it very easy to locate someone in your past that you have lost contact with.
Some of my thoughts include:
- Am I a good friend?
- Before I can ask that, what is the definition of a good friend?
- Am I good listener?
- Do I give a lot of thought before I give advice?
- Am I sensitive to what someone is going through?
- Do I ever say I told you so?
Lots of good questions. First of all I put a high value on friendship. Yes over the years I have been hurt by some friendships (who hasn’t?) so I probably am a little guarded before I let someone in. But once I let the person in they are in. I would help them any way I can. Whether it is a lift to the airport or listening to them talk about their parents’ health or financial situation, whatever it is, I try to be there for them.
Since I have moved around a number of times for work, I have friends in a number of different places. I believe I have grown personally and professionally because of this. For me, moving to different parts of the country has allowed me the opportunity to adapt to lots of different situations.
- Are you a good friend?
- What is your definition of a good friend?
- As you get older, are friendships more or less important to you?
I look forward to reading your comments.
Fee Sepahi says:
Hi Merrill,
Great topic as I totally live by my friends and and value every aspect of my life based on my friendships I’ve made and sustained. Of course with the advent of social networks and the latest technologies, it’s so much easier to keep connected and rekindle the old.
My friendships are paramount to me, and like yourself, I’ve moved around a bit and just having gone through many careers in life, I’ve attached to a number of people, I call friends. Like any good community, I have levels of friendships, like the one’s who have been with me since the day I was born, due to all of our parents being friends. The one’s from the prime years of high school and as I get older more selective in life, time and geographic limitations, make it simpler to relate to the elder friends than trying to make new ones.
I LOVE the people in my communities and I LOVE the one’s who can call on a whim and create the moments, like they never passed. I’m also seeing that my priorities in life have changed and I get into conversations more easily and more passionately.
Friendships are the gold dust that scatter in the lightest breeze and glow brilliantly in every aspect of our lives.
all the best,
Fee
Fee Sepahi says:
You know you reminded me of a good friend of mine, who signs her emails with the following:
Friends are people who know the words to the song in your heart and sing them back to you when you have forgotten them. — Carol Kutlow
Merrill Dubrow says:
Fee,
That is a very meaningful quote. Thanks for sharing!
Merrill
Willie Martin says:
Hello Merrill.
This is a great topic and it hits very close to home for me. Throughout the course of my life I have had many a change locationally and more life startups than a rainy day at the race track.
I noticed early on in life that I was usually by myself, usually content to do things alone. Loner like, lone Wolf tendency if you will. I can remember going to three different high schools in 4 years and having met soooooo many faces. Sadly that is all that they became. No close friendships.
Now, I will qualify this to say I have been fortunate to reconnect with some people after 30 years who still remember me. I am glad Facebook serves that purpose.
Never had that one buddy that I knew and grew up with since pre-school. I wonder what that would be like. I get a little jealous when I hear stories about friends who go back over 25 years. I would very much to know what that feels like. This also hits close as I have a younger brother whom I haven’t seen in 21 years. He just up and disappeared one April day in 1988. I wonder how he is these days…
One of the drawbacks to being a loner is that you are only able to think in terms of yourself. That is, I can handle my own stuff. Not sure I can handle myself AND the issues of others. This could mean that perhaps I have little to offer, or that maybe my independent streak is more than most can handle.
Am I a good friend? My guess is probably not in that I rarely respond to people until I hear the ‘I haven’t heard from you’ line. I also acknowledge that there is always a choice in life with regard to how you handle situations in life that aren’t always favorable.
Take away the element of sporting events and concerts I am probably guilty of being too much of an isolationist. Not conducive to building good friendships. I do try to be good to people in my daily dealings.
I am guessing that all this moving around taught me a more profound lesson. The people in your life this moment, like like itself, you can’t take with you. Enjoy them for the lessons, and the support they potentially offer on a day to day basis. Tomorrow may deal you a different course, a different destiny.
To those of you who do have deep rooted friendships, I am truly happy and grateful that you do. After 45 years of living on this planet, 12 of those sober, I am too much of a loner. This will be an issue for me as I get older I am sure.
Once again Merrill, you have succeeded in making me think and reveal something deep and dark about me
Not a bad thing.
I will close with this. Yes, friendships are important. I hear it daily, even hourly. This Loner wants to remind you that before you do settle down and get married or into a relationship, be sure you have all the alone time you ever got to enjoy. Once committed, that time is forever gone. I learned that as a married man.
One bad apple cannot spoil this Great Topic Cart. May the rest of the Dubrow-ites touch on a happier, more meaningful aspect of friendships! This is an aberration.
Thanks Merrill! Sorry about your Red Sox. Great topic as always!
Mr Will
Merrill Dubrow says:
Will,
First of all I give you a tremendous amount of credit for sharing some of your life and inner most feelings with myself and readers. Not sure how I should respond other than to say I consider us friends and it is never too late to reconnect with some people. As you mentioned with your facebook reference the social networking sites make it somewhat easy to reconnect.
As far as your brother goes – lets connect offline. If you would like to try and find him I would be very happy to help and utilize some of my resources to help.
Thanks for sharing.
Your friend.
Merrill
Steve Schlesinger says:
It is the relationships, whether personal or professional, that make life sweet. It is those that you can share “stuff” with – good and bad – that allows you to achieve more meaning in your day to day life.
Yes, I have friends that run the full spectrum from childhood to adulthood, family friends, work friends, casual friends, etc. They all are part of my life in some way shape or form. The meaning of each of these friendships is based upon mutuality. The relationships that are mutually open and honest, where there is real genuine sharing of emotions, I have always felt bring the greatest rewards. It is hard to have that with everyone but i truly cherish the ones that I have.
I have had many friends who have been there for me during difficult times. I only hope that I am that same “good friend” to them as they have been to me. And if they are really good friends, they tell me when I am not. That is part of that good friendship, always being honest even when the message isn’t one of admiration.
For me the value of friendship consistently increases with age. This is due to the understanding of how important they truly are to me. The number of friends may fluctuate but the ones that are meaningful become more and more treasured.
Melanie says:
To me, a good friend is someone who is always there for you, and someone for whom you will always be there. No matter what happens, no matter how long between phone calls, no matter how far apart you live, you both know you’d do anything for them if they need it.
My two oldest kids are going to college this year, so I am getting closer to an empty nest. Which means my friendships will be even more important to me. I’ll need friends to talk to and spend time with so my husband and I don’t drive each other bananas.
Ginger Blazier says:
Friendship is invaluable to me. From the age of 6 months old, when my dad was transferred to Colombia, South America, I became an “oil brat”, rather than the typical military brat. We lived overseas in many locations and averaged 6 months to 9 months in each of the places. Between each location, we would return to my home state of NJ for a couple of months to “refuel”. It was necessary to make friends very quickly, because I knew we weren’t going to be in one place too long. At times, the other kids would look at me strangely because I wanted to be friends with them right away.
At first, I was upset because I could never say I had a friend I grew up with, but as the years went by, I realized how lucky I was to have so many acquaintances and friends, in so many places. I had to learn that there would be different levels of friendship – temporary, in-transit, and forever friends.
Friendship, as I mentioned, is priceless. A true friend is one that cannot be bought. It’s someone you can call after not being in touch for a while, and converse as if it had been yesterday, when you last spoke. It’s someone who will always be there for you and you for them. A song that always come to mind in “You’ve got a Friend”. Listen closely to the words and I think it defines true friendship.
howard burack says:
From nursery school right to the end of university I went to school with the same 10 guys. Merrill, you met them a few times when we were kids. Even though the dynamics have changed, we are still tight and our friendship is more like a brotherhood. Even though I’ve made good friends over the years, the comfort level of this association is like an apendage that will always be there.
Merrill Dubrow says:
Howard,
Very well put. Yes I recall meeting them over the years. In fact I still recall playing broom hockey with them near your house.
Thanks for sharing.
Merrill
Krista Joyce says:
“Be a friend to yourself and others will be so too.”
Thomas Fuller
I think the above quote is absolutely true and with that – the company one keeps’ is a good reflection of one’s own character!